If

If I have been weird/sad/touchy/twitchy/bitchy lately, it could be one of the following:

1.)  I may have had too much Splenda yesterday.  Have you ever had too much of an artificial sweetener?  If you haven’t tried it, do so and in a few short hours (or more depending on your, ahem, constitution) you’ll see what I am talking about.   I made too many trips to the bathroom and started to find things, like the name “Fosdick”, funny.

2.)  I have had a series of bad hair days since we returned from Florida last week.  I knew it was coming; I mean, goodbye to warm and humid and hello to cold and dry.  For those of you with fine hair, you’ll get what I’m talking about.  It was so bad the other day that I wore a hat to work and considered using the “hat head” defense.  Of course, that wouldn’t be right.  What kind of role would I be setting for my girls if I blamed an inanimate object for my obvious failure?  We should take responsibility for our successes…and for our bad hair.

3.)  To be honest, I blame static electricity.  It is the root of all evil, there’s no denying it.  I think it is making me not just bitchy, but twitchy.   I usually listen to music in my office at work, and on occasion, with my ear buds in if I am really trying to concentrate or get the creative juices flowing.  The only problem is that every time I roll my chair across the floor to another part of the desk to, say, look at a different screen or scrawl something on a sticky note/legal pad, I get small shocks through my ear buds into my ears.  It doesn’t leave me in convulsions on the floor, obviously, more like the shocks you get when you lick a battery.  At least, that’s what I imagine it is like because I’ve never had the balls to actually lick a battery.

4.)  Since I already brought up failures, that would bring me to my 2013 resolutions.  I don’t know why I do it to myself, but I do.  Other than the obvious and universal resolutions like lose weight, get more exercise, cut out all the caffeine, etc., I have resolved to be more vocal.  I know.  I have a blog and all you SOB’s out there are saying, “What the hell?!”  How can you get more vocal than having a GD blog?  Simmer down, folks.  It isn’t THAT kind of vocal.  Or maybe it is.  Or, more likely, I mean a combo of writing AND speaking – but it applies to every aspect of my life, personal and professional, friendships and family.  Has anyone seen Eat, Pray, Love?  You know the part where she and her friend are in the pizzeria in Napoli and they have the muffin top conversation?  And Liz says something like, “I’m not interested in being obese, I’m just through with the guilt. So we’re going to eat this pizza and then we’ll go buy bigger jeans.”  That is kind of what I am talking about.  I have no interest in being mean or getting in anyone’s face – that is not my personality at all, and certainly not my style.  So if you were all like, “Hell’s bells I’m getting out of the firing line,” you can relax.  I will be polite and use my manners and as I tell the girls almost every day…use my voice.

5.)  Another of my resolutions (a.k.a. failures) is to get rid of what I like to call the visual vibrator, also called a television.  Not entirely, mind you.  I still want to be informed and entertained, occasionally, in that way (tee hee).  But I am going to get real, so to speak, with my creative ventures by laying off the boob tube more, and I am sure the world of reality shows will go on without me.  I always tease Greg about living in the real world more, because he spends so much time in “Fantasy” land (fantasy football, soccer, golf, baseball, hockey, basket-weaving), so I am going to start by taking my advice.  Now, having said all of that – and here comes the failure – I watched the season première of The Bachelor on Monday.  Whoopsy!  I feel shameful, believe me, and can sense you all hanging and shaking your heads.  I’m starting next week, I swear!

That’s it for now, the sum total of my thoughts spilled out on an e-page.  For those of you expecting some deep, self-reflective post after reading the title, I apologize.  This is all I can muster now.  Actually, I’m just saving the good stuff for my work in progress (or “WIP” for all you lit folks).  On a good, solid note – I came up with a title today so things, they are a lookin’ up.

Love, Carmen

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